I’ve been closely observing my own life for past few days now. I’ve started keeping a trail of what I’m doing. I’ve started to tap my own movements. What I’ve realised out of this observation is that I’m becoming an oxymoron with each passing day. I’ve once again started to let people take myself for granted. There was a lean phase somewhere around May 2010 where I suffered from an emotional breakdown. I’m feeling as if I’m going back into the time. I’ve started creating a mess for myself all over again. The lesson that I had felt at that time, I’m ignoring it. I’m repeating the same old mistakes. I’ve started to allow somebody else to be my ‘Khuda’. I’ve started to share all the nitty-gritty things with somebody which I know I shouldn’t because I’ve had a sour experience with that person in the past. With me the problem is, I trust people easily. I’ve been and I guess I’m again wrong at selecting/judging people.
One thing that I’ve realised time and again is that in this whole bloody world, nobody is going to be with you permanently, not even your own parents, so forget friends. And as far as I’m concerned, it wouldn’t be wrong if I say that till date I haven’t made a single friend [going by the definition of this word as defined by KC]. You’ve got to find your own path, you’ve got to walk on it, all alone and all at your own. Nobody is going to guide you forever. People might be there to advice you, but as they say, India is a country where one can find ‘advisors’ in abundance. Well there are quite a many things that I’ve realised in the past two weeks or so. One major thing is, we must realise who is our forced/farce/pseudo enemy and who is our real enemy with the mask of a friend. So henceforth going ahead certain people should not be surprised to see a change in my behaviour pattern. It isn't going to be a sea-change but yes, change is on the cards. There are certain people I can’t leave because I really love them. But then, there are certain people with whom I ‘must’ distance myself if I’ve to realise that ‘one big dream’. They say that in order to fly high and in order to rise above your peers, you must be selfish. So far I’ve led my life selflessly. But I promise of one thing, from now on, I won’t remain selfless. I’ll become selfish. I’ve certain dreams which I’ll fulfil at any damn cost. And I’ll have no qualm in quoting that yes I’m a selfish fellow. Why should I even have any qualm? Was there anybody by my side when I needed a shoulder to cry upon? No, there wasn’t anyone.
Coming to a topic which is quite "complicated". Probably, controversial as well. There is this one friend of mine who believes that I'm the sole reason behind her sufferings. She believes that I’m still an asshole. Don’t how do I make her realise the fact that I ‘was’ an asshole. I ‘was’ a dumbass. But offlate, I’ve started to change myself for good. I know I was a spineless coward who had no sensitivity towards people and relationships. I want to tell her that I’ve started to learn out of my own mistakes. There are certain people who learn from the mistake commited by others. And then there are certain adventure loving creatures like me who believes in trying the same old mistakes at their own so that they can arrive at more sophisticated and personal learnings! Joke apart, buddy, I’ll give you my patience, my time and my everything that may heal the wounds of past. I told you that your belief is the only thing that matters to me. And if you think I was the source of all your sufferings, I must try and change it because I know that I wasn't the reason of your pain. Believe me, ya devi sarva bhuteshu shakti rupen maa samasthita namas tasye namas tasye! Saashtaang dandvat pranaam hai aapko. Arey I wasn’t even at fault. You may not need me, but I need genuine people like you around me. Trust me for hell's sake. :-| Well, let it be. I should not get into this all over again, at-least at this point of time. Hopefully, everything will be fine and things will be sorted out.
Another major thing that I’ve realised is that, with each passing day, I’m becoming addicted to certain things. And these certain things are quite fucking and blood sucking things. I've started to doubt my own capabilities and my own capacity. I know I can do well. Certainly. But don't know for which bloody reason I'm not ready to try anything new, anything challenging. Fire Brigade has his own reason to do well. I think I've none. What I wanted to prove, I've already proved to that [or those, for that matter] bastard. If I'm going to remember Mr. L and his gang for whole of my life, the very same Mr. L is going to remember me for whole of his life too! A tit for tat! A morale victory! I've learnt a lot from him. I just want him to learn a simple thing that 'boss, har kisi ka apna apna sapna hota hai, apni apni khwahish hoti hai, apne apne falsafe hote hain life ke, uske beech mein mat aana kabhi, bahut baddua lagti hai, baaqi to aap mere se zyaada samajhdaar ho'. Saale halkatt-pan pe utar gaye woh log end mein! Jaat dikha di apni ! Aish karo. Maaf kiya tum sab ko. Mujhe jo chahiye tha woh to maine le liya. Ab tum apni radha ko yaad karo. Period. ;-) B-)
How badly I wish if I had a better command over Urdu and English language. English is what is slowly becoming a necessity. It's the language of profession I'm getting into. It's the global language now. And for Urdu, I want to learn it for personal reasons. I love misras, nazms, shairs and poetry. And my all time fav is none other than Gulzar saahab. Gulzar saahab says, 'badi aristocracy had is urdu zubaan mein, muflisi mein bhi nawaabi ka mazaa deti hai !'. Seriously, I want to sharpen my command over these two languages. Also, these days I find myself listening to ghazals all day long. Yeah! I'm on exam preparatory leave but I'm not preparing anything! Worst part of a student's life. CA student's life for that matter. CA students ke saath ek problem hoti hai. If they happen to reach the CA finals before TY, they start to believe that they are the tigers. And this attitude is the sole reason that even after being thousand times more intelligent than normal B.com student, they don't fare too well in their graduation. Atleast this is the case with me, sadly though.
Another reason for being sad is that my Jammy has retired completely from cricket. :-( A great cricketer, a humble human being, a gentleman, a true spirited team guy, etc etc. Well, the words seem to fall short in his praise. Perhaps, the best test batsman of the era that I've witnessed. Rahul Bhomiya will miss Rahul Dravid. Rather, we all will miss you Mr. Wall. May you keep busy and healthy even in your post-retirement life. All the very best for future. :-)
Chalo aaj ke liye yaaron bahut hui bakchodi. Na kisi ka rona-dhona, na koi siyaappa, har kisi ko taada, har kisi ko naapa, chhichhoristaan ke, hum chaudhary hain, life sahi hai, tension nahin hai ! ;-) Ye thi khabrein aaj tak, intezaar kijiye....pata nahin kab tak! :-P Seriously blogging is losing that good old charm for me. Lots of love to my sona and my well-wishers [in case there are any!]. Tk cr.
