Who am I? Where am I?

I'm exhausted. I'm saturated. I'm tired of explaining myself to the world. I feel like quitting. I don't feel like speaking up to somebody. The reason for this being, even if I try and explain myself, I very well know that I’ll be mis-read. I’ll be mis-quoted. I’ll be understood out of the context. And I sincerely don’t want that to happen. My jokes these days are considered as lame. My seriousness/lack of interest in personal life is understood to be my lack of sleep. I myself don’t know what my problem actually is. These days I’m unable to open up to people. My world has more or less become un-peopled. There are hardly few people I speak to these days.

Apart from maa and paa, Fire Brigade is there with whom I share probably all the things. He reciprocates the feeling by doing his usual ‘***** haaye haaye’ stuff. So it’s like, instead of talking sense, what we do is open our treasure-trove of problems in-front of each other. This is something that I seriously don’t want to let happen. I mean, talk to me for few minutes, whoever is reading this post. Listen to me. Try and make out my intentions. It feels like some heavenly voice is seconding my opinion and my own voice has subsided beneath it. Somebody else has placed there hands on mine. I’m no more Me. What I was, I mean. The Rahul I remember could talk for hours. Why all of a sudden things have changed so dramatically that I’m short of words. I’m short of words! Why?

Another person whom I speak to these days is KC. It’s merely telephonic conversation. I ask him few questions related to my course and he guides my path. It has been 13 months since I’ve met him in-person. Feels like I’ve forgot his face in between the fog of time that has elapsed. And thus, there is this void where I’m unable to speak my ‘heart’, (mind you I said Heart and not Mind). I’m no more addicted to social networking. My best friends (if I’m allowed to assume), Chachaaa, Bhatija and Ashish, too, are out of my reach these days. They seem to be too immersed in their TY preparation. Jain, Sumit, Ronak, Ghajini, Ankush, Jeets and Vivek are already an old closed chapter. Speaking out to Niku is one option that I’ve closed myself. The reason for which, well, that’s altogether a new story. So, let’s cut the crap.

I feel like I don’t matter to this world anymore. My existence matters to people only when they are in need. Nobody even thinks that there is this guy named Rahul, who could be alone. Who gets his big fat ass fucked whole day in the office. Beneath the thick heaps of files, I try to breathe. It’s not like, that I’m taking no step ahead to get the things in order. I try, and try hard, to carry my smile with me. But don’t know, somehow I forget it daily in this stationery drawer. I look in the mirror and try and speak to myself. It’s me who accompanies myself whole day. I try to make ‘myself’ more interesting. I read a lot these days. When I was in college, I never valued my college days. I took them for granted. Now I miss them. I weep inconsolably when I recall the Time.

The motive behind writing this stupid post is, I’m searching myself. It has been quite a sometime since I’ve heard my own voice. I want somebody to talk to. Things can’t move like this, right? Thought of having a word with Kiran on Saturday evening as last resort. She was too sweet to reply, atleast. Others don’t even feel like doing that either. I was not too optimistic of the reply when I sent her the text msg. For, it had already been year and a half, and we hardly had any conversation. Also, for kind of person I’m and what I’ve done in the past, her reply was soothing in multiple ways. For some time, felt like ‘okay, at-least there is someone who cares for an a$$hole like me too’. Kiran, I want to tell you one thing, I’m sorry buddy. For whatever I did to you. I don’t deserve a friend like you. I’ve always had a feeling that this girl has too much attitude. Sorry, for I failed to understand a basic trait of your personality. You are you. You’re good with good and bad with bad. You dare to call it a spade. Be what you are. And be my friend, if you don’t mind tolerating me and in case, we still are or ever were. Don’t know whether you’ll ever get to read this piece or not, but still…

Well, this post was not what I went on writing in the previous para. It was about what I’m going through these days. It’s a rough patch. The honeymoon period of article-ship has faded. It’s time I start taking more comprehensive role in my work. I’ve got to hit the right chords, professionally and personally. Have to manage both the spheres of life. I’ve got to balance this juggle. And have got to do that soon. Help me, if you can. Talk to me, please. I beg of you all. Listen to my bullshit. I won’t mind even if you consider it nothing but bullshit. But, talk to me. I want somebody by my side right now. I want somebody to give me a warm, tight hug. I want somebody to tell me that, ‘Boss! Gulzar saahab ne bola hai - Raat ye bhi guzar jayegi’.

As an after thought to my current situation, if I evaluate the reason of me being so lonely, I feel it’s because I’m a single child. Though I’ve got enough of ‘maa ka pyaar’ and ‘baap ki daulat’, I don’t have any sibling to fight with. And may be, that excess of ‘maa ka pyaar’ and ‘baap ki daulat’ is the reason of me being nothing but a spoilt brat. When I look at my cousins and their stupid mini-fights for “whom Maa loves more”, I get goose-bumps. I never had any brother or sister with whom I can compete. Compete for simple things in life. I don’t have somebody in my life with whom, though I would had fought for day long, can share my heart at night while sleeping. Somebody younger than me, coming to me, for help. Or somebody elder to me, whom I can approach for help. Forget help, just to speak. One can’t share everything with their parents. You need that one person. I’ve never had anyone in that place. Let me put it in Gulzar-ish way- Zindagi ki shelf mein, us ek kitaab ki jagah shaayad khaali hi mayyasar hone wali hai….!  :-|

Don't Quit !!

I couldn't have re-read it at more apt time:-

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

आपाधापी.....

जीवन की आपाधापी में कब वक़्त मिला
कुछ देर कहीं पर बैठ कभी यह सोच सकूँ
जो किया, कहा, माना उसमें क्या बुरा भला।

जिस दिन मेरी चेतना जगी मैंने देखा
मैं खड़ा हुआ हूँ इस दुनिया के मेले में,
हर एक यहाँ पर एक भुलाने में भूला
हर एक लगा है अपनी अपनी दे-ले में
कुछ देर रहा हक्का-बक्का, भौचक्का-सा,
आ गया कहाँ, क्या करूँ यहाँ, जाऊँ किस जा?
फिर एक तरफ से आया ही तो धक्का-सा
मैंने भी बहना शुरू किया उस रेले में,
क्या बाहर की ठेला-पेली ही कुछ कम थी,
जो भीतर भी भावों का ऊहापोह मचा,
जो किया, उसी को करने की मजबूरी थी,
जो कहा, वही मन के अंदर से उबल चला,
जीवन की आपाधापी में कब वक़्त मिला
कुछ देर कहीं पर बैठ कभी यह सोच सकूँ
जो किया, कहा, माना उसमें क्या बुरा भला।

मेला जितना भड़कीला रंग-रंगीला था,
मानस के अन्दर उतनी ही कमज़ोरी थी,
जितना ज़्यादा संचित करने की ख़्वाहिश थी,
उतनी ही छोटी अपने कर की झोरी थी,
जितनी ही बिरमे रहने की थी अभिलाषा,
उतना ही रेले तेज ढकेले जाते थे,
क्रय-विक्रय तो ठण्ढे दिल से हो सकता है,
यह तो भागा-भागी की छीना-छोरी थी;
अब मुझसे पूछा जाता है क्या बतलाऊँ
क्या मान अकिंचन बिखराता पथ पर आया,
वह कौन रतन अनमोल मिला ऐसा मुझको,
जिस पर अपना मन प्राण निछावर कर आया,
यह थी तकदीरी बात मुझे गुण दोष न दो
जिसको समझा था सोना, वह मिट्टी निकली,
जिसको समझा था आँसू, वह मोती निकला।
जीवन की आपाधापी में कब वक़्त मिला
कुछ देर कहीं पर बैठ कभी यह सोच सकूँ
जो किया, कहा, माना उसमें क्या बुरा भला।

मैं कितना ही भूलूँ, भटकूँ या भरमाऊँ,
है एक कहीं मंज़िल जो मुझे बुलाती है,
कितने ही मेरे पाँव पड़े ऊँचे-नीचे,
प्रतिपल वह मेरे पास चली ही आती है,
मुझ पर विधि का आभार बहुत-सी बातों का।
पर मैं कृतज्ञ उसका इस पर सबसे ज़्यादा -
नभ ओले बरसाए, धरती शोले उगले,
अनवरत समय की चक्की चलती जाती है,
मैं जहाँ खड़ा था कल उस थल पर आज नहीं,
कल इसी जगह पर पाना मुझको मुश्किल है,
ले मापदंड जिसको परिवर्तित कर देतीं
केवल छूकर ही देश-काल की सीमाएँ
जग दे मुझपर फैसला उसे जैसा भाए
लेकिन मैं तो बेरोक सफ़र में जीवन के
इस एक और पहलू से होकर निकल चला।
जीवन की आपाधापी में कब वक़्त मिला
कुछ देर कहीं पर बैठ कभी यह सोच सकूँ
जो किया, कहा, माना उसमें क्या बुरा भला।.....

From Bombay to Mumbai to ... ?

It was a normal travel routine for me. Boarded a double fast Kasara local of 8.54pm from Byculla station last evening. The train was more crowded than normal and I could just find myself enough space to accomodate my "bulky" body in a very congested fashion. Of course, the thoughts were to try and avoid the brunt of over-'enthusiastic' crowd that would get in from Dadar.

Before I could do much to get into a 'safer place', the crowd was all around me and I was trying to maintain my balance with atleast 3 people leaning on me from different sides, as the case with everyone inside that 'hell'. It is very easy for any body to lose one's cool when he is so very uncomfortable due to heavy crowd and resultant heat and suffocation. And then, at that very moment something happened - something that I personally witnessed for the first time in my life here in Mumbai.

An argument started between two guys, both stuck in some awkward position in the crowd and apparently one of them was pushing the other. A heated argument followed and voices were raised. The family members were referred to in the choicest of filthy words by both as is usual in such arguments. One of the two was shouting in Marathi. At one point, the other person tried to play smart. He 'complained' that he does not understand Marathi and sarcastically asked the other guy to talk in Hindi. That was it... The first guy got really very furious, as could me made out from his voice decibels. He kept talking in Marathi and blasted the other guy for not knowing Marathi in Maharashrta! He said you are an outsider and are sitting on our heads in Mumbai. We let you come in and that is the biggest mistake we did. And now you are polluting this place in a very significant manner! All this in Marathi... I was stunned a moment later when his 'speech' was responded by cheers and claps in the bogie!! The other guy was obviously tongue-tied.

I have never seen such a 'aamchi-Mumbai' incident ever in Mumbai. Of course such things do happen and the famous campaign by Shiv Sena is an example. But a real-life incident like this struck me. Though it is just a small incident but it is true that
such frictions based on insiders/outsiders are very much prevalent. I wonder whether these small incidents would result into some fracas soon in our daily lives. Hopefully not...

It is true that Mumbai has ceased to be Maharashtrians' land but it is incorrect to claim it that way at the first place, I feel. Ok, it is a part of Maharashtra but now it has evolved as the financial capital of the country and thence the influx of 'outsiders' is a natural progression. But unfortunately, when in a situation of rage, logics take a backseat and emotions rule the show.

All said and done, these sentiments and emotions, as reflected in this incident, is here to stay. But somewhere deep down in my heart, I hope it doesn't. I love Bombay [or Mumbai for that matter]. :-|

P.S. Taken from Harish Sir's blog, par bhavnaao ko samjho. Went through the same.

Off The Mark...

Yeah, I am off the mark for 2012. It's been quite a long since I posted something. Actually I don't find time to do so. Rather, I don't feel like using internet socially. Cut this crap!

So, the new year has started off. In a way, I'm happy. In a way I'm sad. Happy for I'm doing something constructive these days with my life. Sad for I don't have anyone to share my heart with. I want to talk to someone desperately. I want to spill my feelings before they get saturated just like me myself is getting exhausted. Hope this work flow takes me through and leads me to where I want to. Catch being, I do not necessarily know what the end target is! Big deal, who knows the big plan anyway. 'HE' must have something in store for me. Something nice, something nasty!


Let me reproduce the lines I read somewhere:


The new years come, the old years go,
We know we dream, we dream we know.


We rise up laughing with the light,
We lie down weeping with the night.


We hug the world until it stings,
We curse it then and sigh for the wings.


We live, we love, we woo, we wed,
We wreathe our prides, we sheet our dead.


We laugh, we weep, we hope, we fear,
And that's the burden of a year.

Here's wishing you all a fantastic New Year.


God bless. Keep smiling.

Source- Harish Sir's blog. Bhavnaao ko samjho.