I'm exhausted. I'm saturated. I'm tired of explaining myself to the world. I feel like quitting. I don't feel like speaking up to somebody. The reason for this being, even if I try and explain myself, I very well know that I’ll be mis-read. I’ll be mis-quoted. I’ll be understood out of the context. And I sincerely don’t want that to happen. My jokes these days are considered as lame. My seriousness/lack of interest in personal life is understood to be my lack of sleep. I myself don’t know what my problem actually is. These days I’m unable to open up to people. My world has more or less become un-peopled. There are hardly few people I speak to these days.
Apart from maa and paa, Fire Brigade is there with whom I share probably all the things. He reciprocates the feeling by doing his usual ‘***** haaye haaye’ stuff. So it’s like, instead of talking sense, what we do is open our treasure-trove of problems in-front of each other. This is something that I seriously don’t want to let happen. I mean, talk to me for few minutes, whoever is reading this post. Listen to me. Try and make out my intentions. It feels like some heavenly voice is seconding my opinion and my own voice has subsided beneath it. Somebody else has placed there hands on mine. I’m no more Me. What I was, I mean. The Rahul I remember could talk for hours. Why all of a sudden things have changed so dramatically that I’m short of words. I’m short of words! Why?
Another person whom I speak to these days is KC. It’s merely telephonic conversation. I ask him few questions related to my course and he guides my path. It has been 13 months since I’ve met him in-person. Feels like I’ve forgot his face in between the fog of time that has elapsed. And thus, there is this void where I’m unable to speak my ‘heart’, (mind you I said Heart and not Mind). I’m no more addicted to social networking. My best friends (if I’m allowed to assume), Chachaaa, Bhatija and Ashish, too, are out of my reach these days. They seem to be too immersed in their TY preparation. Jain, Sumit, Ronak, Ghajini, Ankush, Jeets and Vivek are already an old closed chapter. Speaking out to Niku is one option that I’ve closed myself. The reason for which, well, that’s altogether a new story. So, let’s cut the crap.
I feel like I don’t matter to this world anymore. My existence matters to people only when they are in need. Nobody even thinks that there is this guy named Rahul, who could be alone. Who gets his big fat ass fucked whole day in the office. Beneath the thick heaps of files, I try to breathe. It’s not like, that I’m taking no step ahead to get the things in order. I try, and try hard, to carry my smile with me. But don’t know, somehow I forget it daily in this stationery drawer. I look in the mirror and try and speak to myself. It’s me who accompanies myself whole day. I try to make ‘myself’ more interesting. I read a lot these days. When I was in college, I never valued my college days. I took them for granted. Now I miss them. I weep inconsolably when I recall the Time.
The motive behind writing this stupid post is, I’m searching myself. It has been quite a sometime since I’ve heard my own voice. I want somebody to talk to. Things can’t move like this, right? Thought of having a word with Kiran on Saturday evening as last resort. She was too sweet to reply, atleast. Others don’t even feel like doing that either. I was not too optimistic of the reply when I sent her the text msg. For, it had already been year and a half, and we hardly had any conversation. Also, for kind of person I’m and what I’ve done in the past, her reply was soothing in multiple ways. For some time, felt like ‘okay, at-least there is someone who cares for an a$$hole like me too’. Kiran, I want to tell you one thing, I’m sorry buddy. For whatever I did to you. I don’t deserve a friend like you. I’ve always had a feeling that this girl has too much attitude. Sorry, for I failed to understand a basic trait of your personality. You are you. You’re good with good and bad with bad. You dare to call it a spade. Be what you are. And be my friend, if you don’t mind tolerating me and in case, we still are or ever were. Don’t know whether you’ll ever get to read this piece or not, but still…
Well, this post was not what I went on writing in the previous para. It was about what I’m going through these days. It’s a rough patch. The honeymoon period of article-ship has faded. It’s time I start taking more comprehensive role in my work. I’ve got to hit the right chords, professionally and personally. Have to manage both the spheres of life. I’ve got to balance this juggle. And have got to do that soon. Help me, if you can. Talk to me, please. I beg of you all. Listen to my bullshit. I won’t mind even if you consider it nothing but bullshit. But, talk to me. I want somebody by my side right now. I want somebody to give me a warm, tight hug. I want somebody to tell me that, ‘Boss! Gulzar saahab ne bola hai - Raat ye bhi guzar jayegi’.
As an after thought to my current situation, if I evaluate the reason of me being so lonely, I feel it’s because I’m a single child. Though I’ve got enough of ‘maa ka pyaar’ and ‘baap ki daulat’, I don’t have any sibling to fight with. And may be, that excess of ‘maa ka pyaar’ and ‘baap ki daulat’ is the reason of me being nothing but a spoilt brat. When I look at my cousins and their stupid mini-fights for “whom Maa loves more”, I get goose-bumps. I never had any brother or sister with whom I can compete. Compete for simple things in life. I don’t have somebody in my life with whom, though I would had fought for day long, can share my heart at night while sleeping. Somebody younger than me, coming to me, for help. Or somebody elder to me, whom I can approach for help. Forget help, just to speak. One can’t share everything with their parents. You need that one person. I’ve never had anyone in that place. Let me put it in Gulzar-ish way- Zindagi ki shelf mein, us ek kitaab ki jagah shaayad khaali hi mayyasar hone wali hai….! :-|
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