1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
2. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
3. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
4. When everything comes in your way, you're in the wrong lane.
5. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.
6. Born free, taxed to death.
7. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
8. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
9. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
10. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
11. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
12. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
13. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
14. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
15. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
16. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
17. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
18. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
19. Hot glass looks same as cold glass - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers
20. Someday is not a day of the week
21. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
22. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
23. The road to success.... is always under construction.
24. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
25. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
26. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.
27. I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
28. David Bissonette: When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
29. Sacha Guitry: After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
29. Socrates: By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
30. Dumas: The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
31. Sigmund Freud: I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
32. Anonymous: "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
33. James Holt McGavran: "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
34. Patrick Murray: Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
A. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
B. Whenever you're right, shut up.
35. Nash: The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
36. Anonymous: You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
37. Henny Youngman: My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
38. Rodney Dangerfield: A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
39. Anonymous: A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
40. Anonymous:
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.
41. Reasons why south Mumbai people don't go to vote-
- Clashed with Salsa class
- Election whites not drycleaned
- No candidate a hottie
- Tony Jethmalani contesting from suburbs. Sigh
- No valet parking at booth
- Spotted servant in queue ahead of us
- Driver not come
- Elections over dude, Obama won!
- No party tackling real issues, eg, reduce Goly Gym rates.
- No home delivery!
42. Funny Oxymorons-
1. Clearly misunderstood
2. Exact estimate
3. Small crowd
4. Act naturally
5. Found missing
6. Fully empty
And the mother of all:
Happily Married
43. Lack of punctuations can make mockery of a normal statement. Hope a friend of mine reads this 'coz he surely needs it :D
a. In a London Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
b. Outside a London second-hand shop
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
c. Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
d. Seen during a London conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
e. Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
f. On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR, THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)
g. At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS.
IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD,
GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
h. Doctors clinic, Rome
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
i. Hotel, Acapulco
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
j. In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE SHOULD WAIT AND SEE THE MANAGER.
k. In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
source- Harish Sir's blog. full credit to him.
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